11 Oct Longer Daze

If I told you there was something about you.

Something that I liked

and not just anything.

What would your response be?

Sure.

It could be something like

“I like your voice,”

Or

“I think you’re charming,”

Or even

“I like your stride.”

But it’s something more than that.

You probably won’t read this anytime soon,

But

You give me butterflies.

You make me tingle.

I haven’t felt this way in four years.

Like a bear in hibernation.

I haven’t written this much in so long.

When I’m happy.

When I’m frustrated.

When I’m alone.

When I’m myself.

I haven’t been myself for so long that I forgot how to paint.

Crying between the brushstrokes

Feeling relieved outside the lines and the colors and the silence

The silence of feeling comfort.

You.

You are comfort.

You are sound.

You are beautiful.

You are vague.

And silent

And mysterious

And confusing

And so charming

(Stop. Your charm is different with me and don’t lie and say it isn’t)

You.

I don’t know what’s going on.

Sometimes when I sip too much, I act out.

Don’t penalize me.

Or maybe you should.

Not violently, but tenderly.

You send me all these mixed signals.

I don’t know which one to follow.

I wait a lot.

I’ve apparently got the patience of a saint.

I can’t explain what I’m seeing or why I’m feeling it.

But you make my tongue water.

It’s not sexual, although I admit,

sometimes it is – despite when I joke around.

The idea of kissing you is somewhat baffling.

Imaginary if you will.

But real enough to satisfy a craving.

Like a pregnant pause.

It’s so complex and detailed

and unorganized and imbalanced

and rolling and falling and laughing together all at once.

Some days I just want to stop.

Erase it all.

Getting hurt isn’t in the cards for me.

Your gentleness isn’t normal.

Some days I don’t want you to be affectionate

in that weird way you are

when you act so coy and say you’re being hospitable.

I like it when you’re you. When you’re that person I sat with at 5 AM.

That passionate. Passive-aggressive guy.

That vague one.

I hate you.