17 Dec Eva and Gus: Soul Letters Part II

Entry 1–

Coping

I haven’t talked to Gus for a good three months since he left. With his bag hanging over his shoulder he looked at me, this look felt very familiar but I couldn’t quite pin point whence I had last seen it. Placing a delayed kiss on my forehead he had left.

He had shattered my whole world nearly a year prior, so I thought nothing of it. Despite the fact that I had hated not being able to see him for the next six months, I had realized that there was nothing I could do in actuality. I still wanted him in vats, at times, he would sicken me but there was always something so very contagious about him that kept me coming back. Rain or shine, I would show up, with this look on my face, asking him to take me back. He could never take me as his own, and for that, he had his reasons. Reasons I will never fully understand.

When we were in college, we spent most of our time together. His senior year, he had solemnly graduated with a stoic look that was somehow, admirable. He had been through a lot. We had been through a lot. After he had left me for the first time, I had tried my luck with a variety of men, some I told him about and some that I didn’t dare to venture into detail over. Unfortunately, with failure after failure I had realized—my heart wasn’t in it—none of these men could suffice for the man I truly wanted to be with. I could sit alone and count the chest hairs of a suitor but still reminisce over the inverted nipple of the man who my heart ached for. I could caress the body of another man but still never quite be satisfied.

And here I am, merely a quarter of the year is left and I have gone nowhere. He had left me for the second time mainly because I let him do it the first time.