17 Dec Eva and Gus: Soul Letters Part IV

Entry 2—

Missing Pieces

Having not spoken to Gus for some time has begun to take a toll on me. With him, whenever we were separated, I had often felt as if I had lost some part of myself. At this point, the rift had grown increasingly shallow; the stepping stones weren’t as easy for me to approach in fear that I would love him again.

            In the back of my mind, I don’t think he ever truly got over her, she had so terribly corrupted him that I had assumed I could stitch him back together. Like new. Brand new. Instead, I was left with a barely functional Gus. I had sworn that I struck gold, and the intensity of my feelings for him, inspirational, lingering.

            Gus was always … closed. And I hated it. Our last few months together, I had been overwhelmed with the idea of how much I really meant to him. I had been so resilient to put down my guard, and I did everything in my power to hurt him … To hurt him the way he had hurt me.

            I had been so critical on him that eventually I had worn him down. Imagine, being consumed in the idea that you could be the person to bring someone back from the damned. The simple idea, that you could be the person that could replace all the nights of sorrow that they had gone through. As an individual in his life, I had assumed I could repair everything, but I would soon find I was wrong. I was no “replacement” for her in fact, I was anything but.

            “You’re great to me.” He said with this upset look on his face and then he looked away from me.

            Angrily I continued to cry, “Why am I not good enough for you?” I screamed at him as I stomped my foot against the bleachers.

            I hate that I love you Gus.