19 Dec Eva and Gus: Soul Letters Part VI

Entry 3—

Waiter

            For all I know, half of the time we spent together could’ve been a real sham.

“Poor little Eva, always so eager to please!”

And what did I get out of it? A pile of shit left by the first girl. The seasons changed, fast, I was always uncertain about him, I never saw the sideshows that he played but I had always assumed his mind was somewhere else. He could never stay still, and he always counted our time together. Why couldn’t it just feel timeless? Just the way it felt for me? Time would always feel as if it never shifted… but with Gus, it was always about the hour, it was always about the minute, the second. I was never on time.

I met a waiter today, cute looking guy with the smirk of a devil. I took him home after he got off of work, rather, we ran into each other when I was on the way back from the grocery store. It was like some cliché movie clip where the guy in a rush bumps into the bag lady. He knocked my shit everywhere, tumbling tomatoes and a rolling can of peas, at first I was angry until I had realized who he was. I asked him up and made us both grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. It was cold today, it had reminded me of the winter we sat in Gus’s car, and we were on the way home and had just finished getting high. I was disoriented so I gave us the wrong directions and we spent an extra twenty minutes to get home, he was angry at me, I was angry at him.

            The waiter was sweet; he said that he hadn’t “Had a meal like that since he was kid.” It was snowing outside and eventually I sent him home, and shared the bed with my cat. Turning to my side I ran my hand over the space where Gus would have been, silent and restless. I could never sleep when we were together because I was always afraid he would leave me.